Lest I forget and want to be reminded.
Summer of 2015 is by far the most eventful and most unforgettable of all summers I have had. It begins in July, on a weekend trip to Montreal that I decided to book a month earlier than I initially planned because you know, love. Or so I thought.
Seeing Nick
Nick is a friend I met almost two years ago on New Year’s Eve at a bar in Halifax. He was visiting from Thunder Bay where he resides for the time being until he completes his Engineering degree. Since then, we became good friends communicating mainly through text or instant messaging on Facebook. He comes to visit twice a year and would often make it a point to see me when he is around. The last time he was in Halifax was in spring and we hung out. We talked a lot and we got to know each other on a deeper level, way past the point of favorite colors and movies and other trivial whatnots. He happened to mention that he was staying in Montreal for the summer and I have always wanted to go.
Using my accumulated Air Miles, I booked a flight to Montreal on the second weekend of July, a little over a month after his visit. I did plan to go in August to meet JM, who was supposed to give a lecture at McGill but my malandi self got the better of me. Anyway, JM’s trip fell through so I feel less guilty now about supposedly ditching him.
On the night I arrived (Friday, July 10th), Nick met me at my hotel. He brought beer and we drank some before heading to get Ramen dinner. Time went by slow and fast all together. We talked incessantly, drank a great deal, danced a bit, and then some (winks). The next thing I know I was agreeing to him spending the night at my hotel room. I had anticipated it to happen, in fact, I had already been looking forward to it weeks prior. It wasn’t a drunk spur of the moment kind of decision. It was well-thought-out, my mind was clear albeit inebriated and whatever happened, I have no regrets.
The next day (Saturday, July 11th), Nick and I toured the city. Without sleep and still half-drunk from the night before, we were enduring the scorching heat of Montreal summer. He took me to parts of the city I wanted to see. Old Montreal, Chinatown, Old Port, the Notre Dame Basilica and many more. By nightfall, because we were both so exhausted and he has work the following day, I told him that if he wanted to go, he can leave me at the park where there’s going to be a free circus show. He didn’t leave. He stayed with me until the show was finished. I would have been fine if he left, but his stay was most welcome nonetheless. We parted that night both ready to crash. I sent him a text that I got back to my hotel safe and sound. He was relieved to hear it and bade me a good night.
I woke up to a text from him the following day (Sunday, July 12th) wishing me a good day ahead. I was going to be exploring the city by myself then. There’s something so calming about being comfortably alone with one’s self. I had brunch at the train station, I explored the city and was most fascinated by the churches I chanced upon. I prayed, I ate and I basically just relished the solitude. Montreal is a beautiful city that I would love to go back to another time. My flight doesn’t leave until 9 o’clock that evening.
Nick got off early from work to come see me off. We had at least two hours before I needed to board the bus that will take me to the airport. We checked out the performances at the Just For Laughs festival and then we settled at a park (one of the best things about Montreal is its parks, there are just so many!) close to my bus stop so I wouldn’t have to rush. He wished me good luck on my Hong Kong application, which I had mentioned to him on the first night. When it was time to leave, we gave it each other a huge hug.
On the bus ride, I thought I was going to be all melancholic and bawl my eyes out because I will miss him. Surprisingly, that was not the case. I had already decided the day before that Nick was going to be just a friend who will forever have a special place in my heart. I was always so unsure about my feelings for him before Montreal but I decided to give it a little push anyway. That weekend made me realize a lot of things:
1. Nick is not the one. Something just did not click. If I will be honest with myself, I don’t think I even liked him that much. Here’s a quote from Berlin-artParasites that perfectly sums up Nick to me:
I didn’t love him.
I barely liked him.
But he was heat at the peak of summer,
and he kissed like I was his last meal–
And I was looking for a body to drown in.
Back then, I had a candy-coated heart,
like flowers tucked in the pages of a hymnal,
and he had the thick, calloused hands
of a working man.
He talked like a friend,
but touched like an animal
and my bubblegum chest wanted that
in ways it couldn’t understand yet.
He asked what colors I kissed in
and the poet in me cracked open and spilled over–
Exposed like an open wound,
like all the soft, pink parts of me
I didn’t know about.
He was a means to an end:
my Machiavellian loss of innocence.
I don’t regret him,
but sometimes I wish I did. — Ashe Vernon
I barely liked him.
But he was heat at the peak of summer,
and he kissed like I was his last meal–
And I was looking for a body to drown in.
Back then, I had a candy-coated heart,
like flowers tucked in the pages of a hymnal,
and he had the thick, calloused hands
of a working man.
He talked like a friend,
but touched like an animal
and my bubblegum chest wanted that
in ways it couldn’t understand yet.
He asked what colors I kissed in
and the poet in me cracked open and spilled over–
Exposed like an open wound,
like all the soft, pink parts of me
I didn’t know about.
He was a means to an end:
my Machiavellian loss of innocence.
I don’t regret him,
but sometimes I wish I did. — Ashe Vernon
2. I am an adult! This realization hit me hard. I’m making decisions that I know will have consequences to me and to the people I care about but I make them anyway because this is me taking control of my life now. Some people may never understand the choices I make but as long as I am not stepping on anybody’s toes, I will keep making them if that’s what will make me happy.
3. I am living a great life. I am happy, empowered more than ever, and perfectly content. Things are unfolding in beautiful, surprising ways and I can only imagine what lies ahead.
Nick and I are still friends. He would still drop me a message once in a while, but who knows when I’ll ever see him again.