I haven’t been as fully committed to writing as I thought I would when I started this blog. In between work and study and procrastination, I just couldn’t find the will to pen my thoughts. It is kind of a bummer since putting my thoughts in writing can be cathartic for me. Inasmuch as I would want to keep this a regular habit, I always have a hard time sticking to my own plans. Anyhow, I titled this post Letter No. 1 because from now on, I would like start writing letters. May it be to people I care about, old friends, old flames, anyone who’s made an impact in my life, one way or another. I got the idea about writing letters from a blogger that I’ve been religiously following since college.
My first letter is going to be a letter to myself. To remind me of what I was, what I am and how far I have come.
If I have to look back a decade ago, at 15, it’s hard to imagine the kind of life that I am living now. I thought I would never leave the Philippines. Heck, I thought I would never leave my hometown Marbel. But plans change and now I’m here. Thousands of miles away from home. I have never cried from homesickness since arriving which could either mean I’m really loving it here, or I have long learned to be emotionally detached. I know I’ve always been tough and that I don’t easily let my emotions show. At the end of the day, I don’t think any one person can exactly pinpoint how I’m feeling.
I have made good friends. I keep in touch with my closest highschool pals. My best friend Dann and I would still Skype for hours every once in a while to update each other with what’s going on in our lives. My college buddies are always in my recent chats on Facebook. Tina and Khaye are still by far my strongest support system. In Hali, I have great people I always hang out with. I have been lucky.
Work is good. I recently joined a new company as a Senior Fund Accountant. It makes more sense to me professionally. I work with people I can respect and certainly learn from. And it pays better.
So why is there a nagging feeling of emptiness? Have I fallen short of my own expectations? Is this what I wanted 10 years ago? The answer to all those questions is I have no fucking idea. All I know is I have come a long way to turn back now. And I just have to keep moving forward. Someday it will all make sense. Meanwhile, I just need to keep chugging away at life like every normal human being should. That I should not be afraid of making mistakes because it’s inevitable, that I need to forgive myself when I do and that I should stop worrying because things will fall into place at the right time.