Adulthood somehow carries with it its own set of struggles. Yesterday morning, I woke up less than refreshed on account of my ailing refrigerator. Every few hours for the past week, it emits a beeping sound loud enough to wake me up from deep slumber at three in the morning. The freezer component of this fridge-freezer appliance has decided to stop freezing. The troubleshooting manual suggests to adjust the temperature to fix the error, but if the problem persists, to contact the service center. The problem did persist but just like a persistent cough, you just wish it to go away because the fridge doctor will only cost money. And these days, my energy is better expended on anything other than dealing with my pesky landlord. It’s an inconvenience minor enough considering what the rest of the world have to contend with.
Some days, I find myself languishing. According to this New York Times article, it is a state of stagnation and emptiness. Like being in a perpetual state of going through the motions without reaching any particular destination. Where hope is rendered futile because in this pandemic, all certainty is lost. Admittedly, I took the latest set of restrictions harder than I had at the start of this godawful outbreak. A couple of weeks ago, I fought back tears as I talked to my Lola over the phone because I still cannot say for certain when I’ll see her again. She was much more pragmatic about it. “Pasalamat na lang gyud ta sa Ginoo naa pa moy mga trabaho“, she says. It was enough to ground me. And as my friends and I would always lament, Judith is waving so must soldier on. That reality is certainly more grounding.
When I find myself in a restless state, I do a deep dive to process my feelings either by talking it out with a few trusted friends, or outlining my thoughts in an excel spreadsheet. No kidding. When I’ve written everything down and after having considered different perspectives, I usually am able to come up with a conclusion that allows me to sleep soundly at night. I realised that with the right people, there’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable. Cry if you must. But at the end of the day, you must be willing to pick yourself up, let go and move forward. It’s usually in our moments of vulnerability that we find our greatest strength. As Direk JP Habac begrudgingly put it in this latest AWKP episode, “Hindi ko kailangan ng awa nyo.”, instead, we often just need people to listen to our stories without judgment. I own my feelings but I try to be conscious of how I deal with them too para hindi naman ako matuktukan ng mga kaibigan ko!
Lately, several memes about the delta variant upending yet again our carefully thought out bounce back plans have been making rounds on social media. The memes are funny, the delta variant not at all. Alarmingly, it’s starting to hit closer to home. One of my closest friends’ family has been dealt with a bad blow. I’m fervently hoping and praying they are now on the mend. My friend has been so resilient amidst it all but while resilience is an admirable trait, ordinary citizens should not have to bear the consequences of an incompetent government.
It’s been an exhausting time. Sorry I couldn’t be more upbeat. I’m regrouping. On the bright side, as of this writing, my fridge hasn’t had any episode. If it is a metaphor for things healing, I’ll take it.
Your usual chipper Tita will be back!